Monday, July 29, 2013

On Babymaking: What a Mind Eff

This series of eight posts was written throughout our journey of trying to conceive our little New Years Baby. I am so glad I started writing from the very beginning, because I can look back and remember how I felt during this time. I remember feeling like every single person in the blogworld's story started out with something like "so we started trying, and much to my surprise, I got a positive test a few weeks later, and 9 months later we had a healthy baby!". While I by no means, suffered from infertility, our road to where we are now was not completely covered in rainbows and butterflies. There was anxiety, and sadness, and lots of worry. I know there are women out there who feel like less of a woman because they didn't get pregnant that very first month, and I know that because I am one of them. I hope that, in addition to great diary entries of what was going on in my mind at the time, maybe just one woman will relate to our story.

Post originally written November 9, 2012 - about three months into our Babymaking journey.  Read about the decision to start trying HERE and my first negative test HERE.

So our first really half-assed, middle of month decision, month of trying had come and gone.  I had my first negative test, but I stayed positive as I knew we hadn't really tried that first month.  It was more of a spur of the moment thing.

Month two, here we come!  And this time, I'm not joking around.  I started charting - a crazy person thing in and of itself, something I literally had no clue about until I had been married over a year and started doing some research on the whole babymaking thing.

I was armed and ready for this little battle, and had no intention of taking this war past two months.  I was going to win this damn thing and my prize would be a baby!  Without getting into too many details (because mostly, I don't want to explain all the insane abbreviations - BBT, TTC, OPK, BD, blah blah blah), I backed myself with an army of fertility aids.  I knew when I ovulated, and I knew when to expect my enemy (aka that bitch, Mother Nature).

So we did our thing (still can't get over how awkward this is to write about), and I waited.  I was determined to wait until I missed my period before taking a test, but then again my willpower blows, so I tested slightly early.  Another negative (can we just talk about how effing ridiculous it is that for your entire sexually active life until you're ready for kids, you are so relieved to see a negative pregnancy test and then all of the sudden it's the worst part of your day week month?).  Okay, no biggie, it was still early and it wasn't the end of the world - this was after all the first real month of trying.

But then I waited.  And waited.  And wouldn't you know it, my friend still hadn't arrived.  I shit you not, kids, this was the latest Mother Nature had arrived for the party in my entire life.  So I kept taking tests, and getting negatives, and getting sad, and then still waiting. 

And then, finally, five days later than I expected her, my nasty little friend arrived. 

I was sad not to be one of those lucky ones who gets pregnant right away, how easy that would have been.  But I'm not in any huge rush, and I have faith that when He is ready to tell Mother Nature to eff off - He will do so.

1 comment:

Hilary said...

I can SO identify with this!

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