Monday, July 22, 2013

On Babymaking: My First Negative Test

This series of eight posts was written throughout our journey of trying to conceive our little New Years Baby.  I am so glad I started writing from the very beginning, because I can look back and remember how I felt during this time.  I remember feeling like every single person in the blogworld's story started out with something like "so we started trying, and much to my surprise, I got a positive test a few weeks later, and 9 months later we had a healthy baby!".  While I by no means, suffered from infertility, our road to where we are now was not completely covered in rainbows and butterflies.  There was anxiety, and sadness, and lots of worry.  I know there are women out there who feel like less of a woman because they didn't get pregnant that very first month, and I know that because I am one of them.  I hope that, in addition to great diary entries of what was going on in my mind at the time, maybe just one woman will relate to our story.

Originally written Saturday, September 29, read about our babymaking decision HERE.

After we made the decision to give babymaking a try, we, well...gave it a try.  

I have to be honest in that part of my reasoning for wanting to try to start a family sooner rather than later was due to my serious and paralyzing fear of infertility.  I've written about it here on the blog before, but it is seriously something that has haunted me for my entire life.  I have always had an (at the time) illegitimate fear of not being able to get pregnant.  I think a lot of this fear stems from the fact that there are only a very small handful of things I've always wanted to be: a wife, a mom, and a generally good person - all my other goals have come and gone or come to be over time.  Those three have been lifelong goals.  And while I know there are ways to be a mother without ever being pregnant, that is not how I've ever imagined my entrance into motherhood, so if I'm being honest?  Not being able to get pregnant would be a huge disappointment to me.

So, when we tried (still can't get over how awkward it is talking about your sex life on your blog, but for the sake of accurate history to look back on) for the first month, I had hopes that maybe just maybe I would be one of the lucky ones who gets pregnant on the first try: 1. because we wanted a baby, and 2. because it would ease my fears so quickly.

I didn't want to be one of those crazy people who takes a pregnancy test days and days before the crimson tide (Clueless reference, anyone?) came in, but when we had our friends over to help us paint our house and everyone was drinking, I couldn't help but want to throw back a few.  And theoretically I could test, so I went ahead a took one, knowing not to get my hopes up.  

Long story short, it was a sad little moment in the bathroom when my baby dreams didn't come true on the first try.  A small victory for the drinker in me, as I drowned my sorrows in a couple bottles of bud lights.

Back to the drawing board.


Julie said...

I think I'm going to be one of those crazy people who go out and buy one of every test when it comes time because I'll need to confirm it after all :)

Katy said...

Seeing the words "not pregnant" on that stupid little stick is such a sucker punch to the gut. I also worried that I would not be able to get pregnant when I wanted to and it is such an awful feeling. It took us about a year and a half to become pregnant, and it felt like forever. My heart breaks for those that suffer from infertility and go for years and years trying to fulfill their dream. I'm so happy your story has a happy ending :)

Tiff said...

I've always had the same fear, but here's to hoping that's not the case.

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