On Babymaking: A Rainbow After the Storm

Post originally written Monday, April 29, 2013.  You can read the rest of my Babymaking journey HERE.

After losing my pregnancy last month, I expected to wait a few more months for another positive test.  I was so very scared of it happening again, in fact, that I considered breifly taking a break and regrouping my thoughts.  But, since it took us about six months the first time around, I figured we should just keep on trucking.

The more removed I got my from the chemical pregnancy, the more positive I became.  I was really starting to see the silver lining as it were that my doctor seemed so happy about.  The true good thing out of March's loss was that I knew that I could get pregnant, and so it helped me to be positive moving forward.

In the weeks following the misscarriage, I prayed a lot.  I never told anyone this, but every single day on my lunch for weeks, I would stop in the small hospital chapel and say a small prayer for not just myself, not just the pregnancy I lost and hopes of another, but for women everywhere losing babies one way or another and suffering from the very strange invisible loss that a misscarriage, and certainly an early loss, feels like.

I decided to buckle up, settle in, and get to waiting for another pregnancy and each prayer included a note that God, please let the next one be meant to end up in a baby.

You'll imagine my surprise when the very next month I got two pink lines.

Before I took a test (I'm writing this on Monday, and I got my positive test last Wednesday, for reference), I sort of had a feeling.  I felt exactly the same as the previous month, but I thought I must be just forgetting what it felt like the month prior to that.  There was no way I could be lucky enough to get pregnant twice in two months time, I thought.  But the counter-thought (this is how my brain works, a constant internal argument with myself) to that one was I haven't exactly been lucky, maybe I'm due for some good luck.

I had told myself I would wait until Friday to take a test, but simply couldn't wait anymore on Wednesday.  So Wednesday night, before sitting down to eat dinner with my Handsome Husband, I snuck off the bathroom and while I should have seen two pink lines on the test, instead I saw a rainbow.  A sweet rainbow after the storm telling me that there was going to be joy after our pain in this journey and that joy was coming sooner than I had imagined.

Telling HH was much different than last time, but more intimate in a way.  We were both surprised and delighted.  I have currently not told a single soul, which feels funny, but also sort of nice.  Nice to have a secret between just me, HH, and God, of course.  Speaking of God, do I think the prayer did it?  I don't know, but I can't imagine it hurt.

I am feeling much more positive this time around, which seems a little backwards.  But for some reason, this time just feels right.  Sure, I am scared that it will happen again and I will be choking up reading these very words when I have to edit my story again, but I sure hope that's not the case, and I feel confident it won't be.  Preparing myself for the worst last time did not help me when the worst happened.  It did not make it hurt less because I knew it might happen, it didn't ease the pain because I was not ignorant.  So this time, instead of preparing for the worst, I am hoping for the best.

And that, is our journey so far.  When this finally finds its way to the blog, I will be over 27 weeks pregnant, and as I sit here currently editing it (October 4, 2013), I'm feeling my little girl thump away in my belly.  You can read Bumpdates for this pregnancy HERE - and I'm due January 2nd!