Monday, October 7, 2013

On Babymaking: A Rainbow After the Storm

Post originally written Monday, April 29, 2013.  You can read the rest of my Babymaking journey HERE.

After losing my pregnancy last month, I expected to wait a few more months for another positive test.  I was so very scared of it happening again, in fact, that I considered breifly taking a break and regrouping my thoughts.  But, since it took us about six months the first time around, I figured we should just keep on trucking.

The more removed I got my from the chemical pregnancy, the more positive I became.  I was really starting to see the silver lining as it were that my doctor seemed so happy about.  The true good thing out of March's loss was that I knew that I could get pregnant, and so it helped me to be positive moving forward.

In the weeks following the misscarriage, I prayed a lot.  I never told anyone this, but every single day on my lunch for weeks, I would stop in the small hospital chapel and say a small prayer for not just myself, not just the pregnancy I lost and hopes of another, but for women everywhere losing babies one way or another and suffering from the very strange invisible loss that a misscarriage, and certainly an early loss, feels like.

I decided to buckle up, settle in, and get to waiting for another pregnancy and each prayer included a note that God, please let the next one be meant to end up in a baby.

You'll imagine my surprise when the very next month I got two pink lines.

Before I took a test (I'm writing this on Monday, and I got my positive test last Wednesday, for reference), I sort of had a feeling.  I felt exactly the same as the previous month, but I thought I must be just forgetting what it felt like the month prior to that.  There was no way I could be lucky enough to get pregnant twice in two months time, I thought.  But the counter-thought (this is how my brain works, a constant internal argument with myself) to that one was I haven't exactly been lucky, maybe I'm due for some good luck.

I had told myself I would wait until Friday to take a test, but simply couldn't wait anymore on Wednesday.  So Wednesday night, before sitting down to eat dinner with my Handsome Husband, I snuck off the bathroom and while I should have seen two pink lines on the test, instead I saw a rainbow.  A sweet rainbow after the storm telling me that there was going to be joy after our pain in this journey and that joy was coming sooner than I had imagined.

Telling HH was much different than last time, but more intimate in a way.  We were both surprised and delighted.  I have currently not told a single soul, which feels funny, but also sort of nice.  Nice to have a secret between just me, HH, and God, of course.  Speaking of God, do I think the prayer did it?  I don't know, but I can't imagine it hurt.

I am feeling much more positive this time around, which seems a little backwards.  But for some reason, this time just feels right.  Sure, I am scared that it will happen again and I will be choking up reading these very words when I have to edit my story again, but I sure hope that's not the case, and I feel confident it won't be.  Preparing myself for the worst last time did not help me when the worst happened.  It did not make it hurt less because I knew it might happen, it didn't ease the pain because I was not ignorant.  So this time, instead of preparing for the worst, I am hoping for the best.

And that, is our journey so far.  When this finally finds its way to the blog, I will be over 27 weeks pregnant, and as I sit here currently editing it (October 4, 2013), I'm feeling my little girl thump away in my belly.  You can read Bumpdates for this pregnancy HERE - and I'm due January 2nd!


Confessions of a Northern Belle said...

Awww I am crying now... I am so so happy that everything worked out beautifully!

Claire said...

I can't even believe you posted this. This was EXACTLY what I needed to read today. I just found out I'm pregnant again after a miscarriage... I lost the baby 1 year ago, but I haven't had the courage to try again until now. And now that I'm pregnant, I'm terrified. But I love what you wrote that it didn't help you last time to be prepared for the worst. It doesn't, you know? The baby that I lost--I lost it at 10 weeks. And honestly, those were some of the most stressful weeks of my life because I was so scared I would lose it. I freaked out at every little thing and it made the pregnancy itself less enjoyable.... and it didn't make me anymore prepared for the horrible news. I'm with you this time around--hoping for the best. Thank you for sharing. It really helped me.

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