Letters to Exes

Dear Control Freak,

You were such a jerk.  Like really, I can't even actually start this letter to you with any sentiment other than that.  You were abusive in more ways than one, and arrogant in more ways that I can count.  You also were literally dumber than a box of rocks.  What were your saving graces?  Your amazing, incredibly sweet, generous and kind parents who always made me feel welcome (even if they did make me sleep on the couch at your house, which was sort of odd) and comfortable.  I think you had a lot to learn, and I'm hoping, for your sake, you've learned it by now.

Dear Church Boy,

I can't help but smile when I think of how innocent you were when we met.  Not that I corrupted you or anything, but I don't think you saw me coming and I know your parents didn't.  You were kind and nice, and deserved someone who wanted the same things in life as you - which wasn't and still isn't me.  I often wonder if you ended up finding someone who makes you as happy as my husband makes me, and I hope you did because you really deserve it.

Dear Giant,

You were my first...everything.  At the time, I remember being so very enamored with you and thinking how cool I was to be dating a senior when I was just a lowly sophomore!  For years afterwards, our relationship haunted me.  Not in a tragic way, but it was something that people remembered - the odd couple (we were a foot and half apart in height), and they reminded me often that they remembered.  I don't really remember why things went from a typical high school break-up (you were moving away and going to college, I was only going into my junior year), but somewhere along the line after we broke up, things turned really ugly for a few years there.  You were mean and hurtful and spiteful, and that?  I won't ever forget.  Also, I know you think you're very cool now with your big city job and lifestyle, but I gotta tell you - you look like such a tool in half the crap you put on Facebook. 

It is my sincere hope that these letters are more anonymous than real, but if any of you are reading?  I mean every.  single.  word.