Monday, March 12, 2012

Friendships That End

Sometimes I feel like I am crazy.
Too invested in my friendships, maybe.

Too adverse to change, and people leaving my life.  (Totally unsure of where my abandonment issues came from, but I'm self-aware enough to know there are some.)

But am I the only person in the world who kinda thinks that friendships that end weren't ever really friendships at all?

I'm not talking about growing apart.  I'm talking about friendships that are ended, a fight that doesn't get resolved, or one friend consciously deciding to walk away from the other.

I just don't get it.
I could never even imagine ending a friendship with any of my friends.  There have been many a time that I've had a disagreement with one, but choosing to sever that relationship entirely?  Not my style.
Recently, a very close girlfriend of mine completely blindsided me with the revelation that she felt that my husband was malicious, and a bully.  This, for lack of a better expression, shocked the shit out of me.  My husband is so kind, and friendly, and fun - how could anyone think of him as mean?  Sure, he has a thick sense of humor, one that might take some adjusting to; and to be honest, if you can't take a joke, neither him nor myself are the people to be friends with.  These insults this girl flung towards me about my husband, this girl who I loved and adored, who was in my wedding, who had spent countless hours with my husband and I laughing, who I had considered a part of my family, devestated me.  It felt like such a betrayal that came out of nowhere. 

(Yes, this girlfriend has been mentioned on this blog.  And no, I'm not going to name her right now.  Though those of you who know me outside of the blogging world know exactly who I'm referring to.)
The worst part?  She wasn't saying he needed to be "nicer," she wasn't asking for his consideration of her feelings, she was saying I can't be around your husband.  I'm not quite sure how to recover from that one.  Look, I'm not the kind of girl that brings my husband everywhere.  We are not inseperable, and we have our own lives.  But, to make some kind of declaration like that - that you cannot be around someone pretty entwined in my life?  Hard to work with. 

At the end of the day, I don't really care whether my friends like my Handsome Husband.  Sure, that would be nice, and it is my understanding that, in general, they do.  But does it really matter?  Not really.  Just like, quite frankly, I don't give a damn whether my husband likes my friends.  These are my relationships, and while it would be wonderful if they all comingled perfectly, that's not always reality.  But just as there are some of my friends that HH doesn't completely adore but he puts up with for me, that's what I would have expected from this girlfriend who I so held near to my heart.  The fact that she couldn't?  Boggles me.

Have you ever lost a friendship in a way that confused you?
Tune in next week when I pledge something to my girlfriends.
Mingle 240

24 comments:

Micah said...

I'm the same way you are. I have a hard time letting go of friendships even when - in the long run - it ends up being a blessing. I've had to end a few friendships myself in recent years because I began to see how toxic they were. It's tough, but letting go of those people helped me make room and time for those who contribute to my life.

I'm sorry for what you're going through with this friend. Very sad.

Joey said...

I kind of agree that if a friendship ends there wasn't really one there to begin with. At least not a true friendship. And to say something like that about your husband? Someone you love so much that you decided to COMMIT YOUR LIFE TO? How could she expect you to react? I'm sorry that things are so complicated & that you're having to go through this.

Chloe Deverill said...

I have lost many friendships in ways that confused and hurt me a lot.
Maybe they weren't meant to be...
I'm sorry you're going through this, sweetie.

Annabelle said...

Casey girl, some people are quick to give up. She obivously didn't think much about you if she had you at her disposal. It's hard to fathom, I've been there. I have a cousin that I haven't talk to since August. She and I were best friends and did a lot together. She gave up all because I didn't want to go out for her birthday because I could not get a sitter. It boiled into much worse from there. I cried and was sad about it, but now I am bitter. She tried to belittle me and make me the bad person although I did no wrong. She never gave me the chance to do anything for her birthday because the day I told her I couldn't go clubbing for her bday, she told me that she didn't need me anyway and she would see me at Christmas. Well It's March and I haven't seen her yet. Girl, don't let anyone bring you down. She is just making room in your heart for new relationships. I hope that you can make sense of this and using as a learning experience to grow!

Courtney M said...

I can definitely sympathize with you. It's tough when you lose a friend and I too wonder if they were really a friend at all, if they could so quickly dismiss me.

Ashley V. said...

Aww, Casey I'm so sorry to hear this! It boggles my mind too when people you feel are your closest friends hurt you. Your husband is so great and I don't know anyone could say that! But, I do agree that if they can turn on you so easily then they weren't ever a true friend. Just my opinion though. Love you!

Jacki @ A Certain Type of Glow said...

That is really frustrating and hurtful. I'm sorry this happened - especially out of the blue. :(

I do think that sometimes friendships end and that doesn't mean there wasn't a friendship there to begin with, it usually means that someone wasn't voicing their needs or concerns all along and let things bubble up and explode.

Sometimes being a good friend means being honest about hard stuff. It does NOT mean accepting everything about the other person or their spouse/decisions/habits/whatever, carte blanche, without voicing concerns they may have. But it means being respectful and honest in your dealings, including about hard topics.

If this person had a problem with your husband, she could have chosen to voice it sooner and see about working on a solution, or limiting her time around him, or any number of approaches. Whatever the factors were driving her to this point, it's sad that she didn't address them sooner or in a more constructive, less hurtful way!!

Nicole - Craft My Soul said...

I value my friendships but am usually the one who sucks at being a good one. But... me and my friends understand each other and respect each other. To me, she doesn't respect you enough to be around your husband. If she did, the words wouldn't have come out of her mouth. Friends are supposed to be accepting. If they are not accepting, then they are not your friends. You don't have to like the person... but you tolerate it... for your friend. Sounds like she's a little oversensitive. If he bothered her so much she should have taken the time to evaluate the situation before she dragged you through it.

Kara said...

I'm sorry that you have to go through something like this! But I definitely agree that she wasn't a true friend if she's so quick to put an end to your relationship because of something so juvenile.

Always remember that your husband is your #1 and always comes first and your view on it is exactly how it should be. We always hope that people get along, but that's not always the case. And it doesn't matter what people think of your husband, if they are your true friend than it wouldn't matter who you're married to. It's about the relationship between you and her, not her and him.

Sounds like she's downright cray cray.

Love you!

Amber said...

Aww, I'm sorry friend. That's awful. Yes, friendships sometimes end of the strangest things, it's happened to me too. :(

Sar said...

Oh my gosh. I'm kind of baffled, mostly because I would never end a friendship over disliking someone else's significant other (first, I would see if we could hang out sans significant others, then I would chat with my friend and let her know how I felt). I'm so sorry that you feel blindsided; I'm sending you a huge hug.

Here's hoping that you learn who you true friends are throughout this entire situation.

Just stopping by from Mingle Monday!

lil desiqua said...

Hey, stopping by from Mingle Monday!

I have definitely had this happen to me, twice actually. Two of my best friends from college. It hurt like hell, but I guess you really don't know who you're true friends are without certain situations.

I hope you're in a better place now with friends that are really there for you!

Julie said...

I have totally been in your shoes with losing a friendship. Two actually. The first one years ago was the night she met my now husband she declared in public and at her highest tone of voice that anyone who would like me would be queer. I did quite the double take and it took me by surprise and it hurt my husband's feelings. I ended the friendship after that incident (there were more incidents but that was the most recent) and while at the time I was somewhat sad about it, when I look back I know I did the right thing.

Then most recently with my marriage back in July, my supposed best friend became insanely jealous of all the wedding planning for me and it not being for her (yet she not engaged yet) that she started acting awful and saying somethings you just don't say and in the end my husband and I decided that it wasn't worth having her in the wedding with all the hateful things be caused by her. She is getting married in June and I hope that she's getting some drama from people like she caused me - and I'm really not that mean but I say that because it was that bad.

So while I miss her sometimes I realize that she really wasn't there for me and it was her way or the highway.

Its sad, what friendships go through.

Miranda said...

i am actually going through something similar right now with my "best friend" but i am on the ending side. she has a very verbally and emotionally abusive boyfriend (in which i have been a witness too) and it's making our friendship fall apart. it sucks. sorry about your friend :(

Kate said...

I hope that she reads this and realizes the mistake she made... I love you and even ginger HH!

Wiz said...

How awful! The only friendships that have not worked out for me are with girls who are competitive or jealous with me. I dont need a friend trying to complete or out do me. I just want to be happy for each other! So those friendships I left behind. Being that it has been almost ten years since that has happened, I can see more clearly and realize what to look for from the start with new friends.

Lisa said...

Wow. That's pretty crazy. I've never consciously ended a friendship. I've had friendships that are not as strong as they once were. I always welcome that person back in my life because luckily no one has done anything so awful that they can't be let back in.

Stopping by from PYHO.

Rachel said...

Yes, I recently had a 20 year friendship end, and I really didn't see it coming. I knew that we had an issue, but we've had issues in the past and always worked through them. This time, though, she cut the ties. I've started writing about it on my blog, but it's a painful story and I've started and stopped too many times. Perhaps this evening is the night I finish it up. You are not alone; friendships, especially the best of them, are forever. {{hugs}}

Witha said...

Hi, I from Mingle Monday
I am sorry you lost a friendship. I know exactly how you feel because I had the same experience and it was really hard to deal with. I always convinced myself that there must be a good reason why some friends can't make it through our life journey. I believe if they are a true friend, they will accept and respect our life. Be strong Casey!!

Shell said...

Oh, wow. I wouldn't know how to respond to that. I don't expect everyone to love my husband- but that's different than if they were actually saying bad things about him. Ugh.

Gia said...

Ooof - that's a tough situation to be in. I've been "dropped" a couple of times - where nothing happens, but the friend just withdraws and blows you off - like a guy who doesn't have the decency to break up with you but just stops returning your calls. It's not the same as drifting bc it was clearly a conscious decision on their part - but still, no closure. It sucks

Amber said...

I can't imagine how hurt you must have been by this, and more than likely still are. I have had people I have grown apart from, but something like this, from someone you are so close to... I can't even fathom.

I am sorry, and hope you can find some peace and closure with this over time.

PuraVida said...

Really like this response. Makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks!

PuraVida said...

Really like this response. Makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks!

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